Biscuits and scones: British and American food definitions

In Amurica, scones are biscuits and cookies aren't. In Britain, 'sweet tea' means regular hot tea with sugar in. This is our attempt to define the differences between British and American foodstuffs.

The first time Larry and I hung out together, we went to Starbucks and he ordered a cookie. In Britain, cookie means this:

A British cookie.

<------  crunchy, thin, round and tasty. Specific type, texture and shape. 

In Amurica, cookie means anything that we in the UK would define as a biscuit. So, it can be pretty confusing to attempt to discuss any kind of round, flat or sandwich confectionary of the non-cake variety.

An Amurican cookie.

Except they don't call those biscuits, scones are biscuits.  ------>

...It's a recipe for disaster.

The transatlantic afternoon tea 

Just before Larry had to go back to the States for 6 months (the new Visa rules were invented by a pedantic, evil person who hates lovers), we stayed in an amazing London hotel and went for afternoon tea. This is what happened:

Me: 'Let's have our afternoon tea.'

Larry: 'What do you get?'

Me: 'Scones and clotted cream and jam'

Larry: ....confused silence...

<food arrives>

Larry: 'Oh, it's a biscuit.'

Me: 'What?'

Larry: 'It's a biscuit, what you call a scone.'

Me: 'Huh? No, it's a scone. Have some jam.'

Larry: 'Jelly?'

Me: 'Uh....'

<I look around to make sure no one has noticed our awkwardness>

Me: 'What kind of tea do you want?'

Larry: 'Hot.'
Me: 'No, do you want Breakfast tea, Earl Grey, Jasmine Green Tea or one of these herbal ones?'

Larry: ...........

<Larry looks out of his depth>

Larry: 'I'm surrounded by British people right now, aren't I?'

Resisting the urge to run, Larry managed to consume his afternoon tea and still lived to cook another bacon pancake. 

To help you avoid similar awkward transatlantic food situations, here are my do's and don'ts for eating with an American. 

How to eat with an American

Rule 1: Jam, jelly and jello are incredibly confusing, so instead of attempting to use the right one for the right circumstance, make up your own nonsense words to describe the different forms of glutenous fruit splodge.

Rule 2: British bacon can be cooked with oil, American bacon creates it's own oil to the point where you're likely to start a fat fire if you attempt to add 1 calorie spray. Don't do it.

Rule 3: Don't ask why they put butter in everything. Chances are, they don't even know. My American puts butter in oatmeal. (Porridge - yeah, you're basically learning another language.)

Rule 4: If your American asks for Champagne on a special occasion, you can economise by providing sparkling wine. Americans don't distinguish between sparkling wine from the Champagne region of France, and from the discount aisle at Morison's. Bonus. 

Rule 5: These very staple things don't exist in America, make them and wow your American with your amazing culinary expertise and inventiveness. You could even say you made them up with the wonderous skills of your fantabulous mind:

• Roast dinner
• Shepherd's pie
• Toad in the hole
• Apple crumble

Above all, make sure you're the one pouring the tea, and never try and give them instant coffee.