How to soothe your American

If your American is having a bad day, or something's really bothering him, here are some tips to help soothe their troubled mind, while retaining your sense of Britishness.

Step 1: Assess the damage

What seems to be ailing your friend? Is it a sense of being too far away from The Young Country for too long, or pining for saturated fats and sugar? Perhaps they're hankering for some American football, or they've just had enough of living in a world where pancakes are not a staple breakfast food. Not everyone can be satisfied with toast.

It's ok to ask directly.

Being British, we generally shy away from asking males direct questions about what ails them. This is because the standard response is always 'nothing, s'ok, I'mfine.' 

American males grew up watching Melrose Place and Dawsons Creek, and are usually willing to discuss their feelings at length, providing clear indications of what's bothering them. 

Make the time to clarify exactly what your American is upset about, by repeating the problem in a soft, soothing voice.

'So, Mittens ate the game stick and you can't play Borderlands 2?'

Once you've ascertained the damage, decide how bad it is on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the end of their figurative world, and then apply the following salves to lessen the problem.

Scale 1-3: Mild-moderate annoyance

Order pizza. 

Pizza is one of the main causes of breakups in America. 

If a couple can't agree on the toppings for their pie (don't ask me why a pizza is a pie) all hell ensues. 

Show your support for your lover, by getting on the phone to Dominos or firing off an order via the Papa John's app, and letting them pick their favourite toppings. Best served with an ice cold beer.

Scale 4-6: Moderately pissed off, with signs of increasing frustration

Watch three episodes of Modern Family, Community or Adventure Time with Finn & Jake.

Americans think nothing is more funny than American humour and wit. 

What better way to make your lover feel more comfortable and at home, than by indulging their enjoyment of slightly bland TV shows with jokes about foods, places and cultural references that mean nothing to you whatsoever.

Add some buttered popcorn, and make sure to laugh in all the right places for good measure.

Scale 7-9: The TV or games console stopped working.

Rub some bacon on it.

Almost anything that's wrong with your American can be cured by applying a generous helping of British bacon, scrambled eggs and maple syrup.

If you've got a vegetarian American... wait, a what?

Scale 10: Saturday Night Live has been cancelled.

Tea won't work.

For a British person, this would be the right time to crack out the biscuits and a nice cup of tea. That's not going to work with an American.

Suggest you try sex.

If all else fails....

A bacon rose bouquet, carried by a golden eagle.